Personal Testimony

January, 1997

Childhood: I am an American, born in Japan to missionary parents. After my father was caught in a sin which is sadly common to many men, instead of confessing, repenting and receiving God's cleansing; he attempted to make amends in the flesh; which extended to me in what he called "discipline." But was actually, abuse; which included frequent excessive beatings.

During this time, at age 5, after one of the pre-bedtime Bible story times, in the faith of a five-year old, I invited Jesus into my heart.

Suicide Attempt: In later years when we didn't return to Japan, my mother then died, and the "buffer" between my father and me was gone. During high school age I often contemplated how I could easily ambush him with one of the guns in the house. But two things kept me from it: 1) I was a Christian, and such an act would be sin, and 2) I would surely be "caught" by the police and have to suffer consequences. So, instead, I attempted suicide. This must have affected him somewhat, as he eased up a bit and things were a bit more "tolerable" until I was finished with High School and away from home.

Higher Education and Career: Two years of Bible School, and a University degree in Music later, I found myself in real life. Professional music performance with choirs in Canada. Itinerate Church concert ministries. Any ministry that there was to do in a church, including choir directing, leading worship, preaching. Radio work, music recording, bus driving...you name it, practically, and I've done it. I currently own/operate a sign and banner business.

Ultimate Ministry? In the spring of 1980 two things happened to begin opening my eyes to what "ministry" was about, as typically rendered in the "church." My wife and I were attending a little church where the pastor regularly propped his two little children on the platform to "perform" (cutely) for us. Memories flooded back to my childhood, and deputation meetings, where I had been similarly propped up to sing "Jesus Loves Me" in Japanese to entertain the people. I began to realize the "entertainment value" of much of what is done in our church services. But not "spiritual service." ...remembering myself at that age, and my total lack of understanding of ministry, and sometimes resentment of being put on "display."

At the same time, I had the "next-best-thing" to "ultimate" service opportunity as a Christian musician. The "local" area had an evangelist come to town, and I was the local music coordinator, which included traveling around with the visiting team during the days for their prison meetings, and playing organ for the evening sessions. (The only thing "better" than this in my mind would have been to actually be a team member...and be on the road with them permanently.)

What I saw was an evangelist who at night preached against sin, and in the back rooms was "something else." During the day, the musical team whining and complaining that they "weren't being paid" to do this...go to prison meetings, etc.

Sabbatical: The following years, as I (purposely) sat in the pew instead of being on the platform, I saw all the things that I had been doing "up there." And the Holy Spirit was speaking to me about all the phoniness of "christian performance."

Unequal Yoke: We met in College/Career Sunday School class. She was a daughter of one of the church Elders...from a fine upstanding "christian" family. Our first date was to go hear "Holy Hubert," a college campus "evangelist" of the 70's. But, she was not Born Again. Even though I "sensed" it, I was blind to the fact, because the flesh was in the way.

During our marriage I could never understand why: every time I was preparing to engage in ministry, the disagreements arose. During the week we were "best friends" and life was smooth. But Sunday morning, we're supposed to be on the road to a church I was to "fill-pulpit," and the arguments erupted.

Diverted: Penultimately, a total move was made; away from ministry, back to secular professional music; at her strong encouragement. Later, I was to find that this was "purposely" on her part, to get me "out of ministry."

The next few years were not very pleasant, and things were introduced into the marriage that I would never have dreamed about previously in my wildest imaginations...all the while, she was pretending to seek the Lord and follow Him with renewed vigor...in the flesh.

Ultimately, one evening, after I was "now" back on track, and was going in a direction to serve the Lord, and was not about to turn back, she announced, "Your God and mine are different." In a split-second as I heard those words, I knew my questions of all those years, as I wondered how a Christian could be thwarting ministry so much, were answered. She was NOT IN CHRIST. And she had just confessed it.

Two weeks later, she was gone with a male companion. She ultimately secretly sought, and obtained her divorce. I found it was "final" from a friend who saw the notice in the newspaper.

Repentance & Cleansing: The night she left I was absolutely devastated. I had "recently" finally gotten rid of the emotional "scars" from my childhood..(father). But there was a full 15-year marriage of put-downs from in-laws I was still dealing with. And the disappearance of my "BEST FRIEND" now, along with the brief little note left on the kitchen counter, expressing that she wasn't experiencing enough in her life. It indicated to me that I was not adequate.

After a whole life of put-downs, my best friend had now also left. I was at rock-bottom. I found myself in my bed, on my back, before God. I was no good! I was worthless! Everything was my fault! (You see, during those late-night hours, I was forgetting her confession of two weeks earlier, that she was not a Christian.) I was to blame for everything! But this was where God needed me to be, to get my attention.

No sleep that night! But, as I was before God, seeing all my rottenness, the Lord allowed all my sins to parade before my consciousness. I was not a BIG SINNER the way people speak of it. I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, sleep around...all those BIG sins. But, even as a Child of God, I had a lot of dirty closets in my "house." A lot of nick-knacks sitting on the shelves. Earlier that evening, as I came back to the empty house, for lack of something else to do, I had gotten the vacuum out and done a thorough house-cleaning. But now, I saw all the dirt in my heart.

That night I confessed my sins before God. Realized His cleansing. And somehow, even though I didn't fully realize yet that she wasn't a Believer, and I was still HURTING MOST TERRIBLY, I felt a relief that I was now "FREE." Free to serve God fully!

Loved too much: You see, one of the problems in my heart was that I loved my wife too much. When I would consider the prospects of going to Heaven, I wouldn't have been real sure I would have liked the idea. After all, Jesus said that in heaven, "they are neither married nor given in marriage..." And if I couldn't be married to her, I wasn't too sure how much I would enjoy being there. I simply couldn't imagine an existence without her.

I could preach to the in-laws, who were characterized by "family values" and could not "let her go" for us to be OUR family. "..he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me."(Mt10:37) But did not see, "..those who have wives should be as though they had none."(1Cor7:29) Or Jesus' words, "there is no one who has left...wife...for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive..[abundantly more]..and..eternal life."(~Mk10:29-30)

I had not Left ALL, to follow Him.

Psychology: The next day (after the night of confession) I met, for other reasons, a soon-to-be-elected church deacon, who was a follower of John Bradshaw. When he heard of my spousal abandonment, immediately started "caring" for me. From the psychological perspective shared things, and "knew things" about the marriage, her childhood and father...even though he didn't know us that well. And I started to swallow everything he was saying, because all the "pictures" he painted looked just like what my experiences were, what hers were...what her family was like. All this "wounded inner child" and "shame" and all such stuff. And all the in- laws' put-downs of me. It all "fit."

As we started meeting on a regular basis, he started to introduce some Bradshaw concepts that were not Scriptural. He proposed that we are all born "perfect" and that the problem in life is that we didn't get our needs met as babies, and so we manipulate to get these needs met, and thus, somehow sin comes into the picture, and all such stuff. I knew this didn't agree with Scripture, that we are "born in iniquity." And later, I saw Bradshaw for myself on TV, where he proposed that "teaching the Bible to children is the worst form of 'child abuse'."

Through writings of Dave Hunt, "The Seduction of Christianity" I was encouraged that my Scriptural understanding was correct. Through this book, came to understand what this whole Psychology "thing" was all about. And was encouraged back on the Biblical path of the realization that of ourselves, we are nothing. We are sinners. God saves us by His Grace.

Healed: In spite of this Psychological input which was now also coming from the pastor of this same church, the Lord was manifesting Himself to me. My heart was now "clean" because of the confession and cleansing. I found myself seeking "His face" with a fervor I had never before known. In my continuing PAIN, He showed His love to me. As I would sit at the piano in worship, singing songs, the tears would stop my voice, as my fingers continued playing the accompaniment, my eyes following the words of songs about the Cross of Christ; Jesus I am Resting in the joy of what Thou art; My Jesus I Love Thee; Nearer Still nearer, close to Thy heart draw me my Savior, so precious Thou art; Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe.

Some interesting things began to happen.

As one example: I had a problem in my life which manifested itself most prominently in traffic. If someone did something stupid, I would easily become "unglued." You know..the situation where everything goes crazy, and then once the incident is over, you feel like a "total fool!" But, there was no understanding of it, nor worse yet, how to control it.

All of a sudden one day as I was riding my motorcycle by the river, I realized "what it was." I had a problem with "rage." There was now a "handle" for the problem. It was defined. For me this problem was as great as tobacco addiction is for some, or drugs or booze.

About a week later, after a week of not really thinking too much about it, just as "suddenly" I realized the problem no longer existed. I did not go to a counselor to seek help as to how to "work through" my anger, and develop "techniques" for dealing with it. It was, simply, GONE. Period.

God had "healed" me of this problem. But it happened because I was earnestly seeking His Face about all aspects of His Word, His essence and fellowship, and my life. My heart was pure before Him.

Fresh Service: Christian service is now totally different. As I was asked to fill- pulpit on occasion, I knew the Lord was working through me in ways I had never before known. While I had been a Christian since age 5, my "recent" night of confession was as significant as if I had newly come to Christ. And while I had thought I knew what it was like to have the Holy Spirit speak through me, I now "knew" that it was Him who was speaking through me.

And since then, the Lord has directed "A Voice in the Wilderness" to be started. Where I used to balk at "being a preacher" because the music talent would "be wasted"; the music is now essentially on the shelf. And my WORST "talent" is being used...writing. This way, it is sure that it is not me writing, but the Holy Spirit.

And, like the Apostle, I now also have a "thorn in the flesh...lest I be exalted above measure." It keeps me from being tempted to get back into music, and His "grace is sufficient" for me. While I now "last" only 10 minutes at a real piano due to the "thorn" ...I am able to type endlessly at the computer to do what is necessary for this ministry.

I think my parents may have likely named me "Paul" after the N.T. Apostle. I don't know if they realized how many similarities there would be. But now, where I used to have many interests, my life is wholly given to God. Sometimes I am at the point of exhaustion with doing what He gives me to do, as Satan buffets from various sources.

But "none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." (Acts20:24)

Amen!